Attending a weekend workshop on grief helped me deal with death and
losses in my
family over the ensuing years. It enabled me to understand that grief
takes many forms
and may not occur only with a death. Also, each person is affected
differently by a loss
and deals with grief in various ways.
Just because we face a loss one way doesn’t mean that everyone else must
do the
same. We’re all different people and have different ways of dealing with
a situation,
have varied strengths to draw upon, have different levels of faith to get
us through.
Various Forms of Loss
The leader of the grief workshop made me realize that grief doesn’t occur
simply
because of a death. This often is the greatest loss and the one we think
of when the word
grief comes to mind.
However, other traumas in our lives that bring about some type of grief
may include:
*Loss of health because of illness or an accident
*Loss of a pet
*Loss of a job
*Loss of a home because of a natural or financial disaster
*Loss of a friendship
He pointed out that traumatic changes in our lives, changes that cause a
difference
in our routine, affect us and our emotions and cause a great gap. I’d
never thought
of grief as anything other than being connected with death, but realized
that what he said
was true.
Think of losses you’ve encountered in the above categories. Have you
been
disappointed or discouraged with yourself because you seemed to be in the
doldrums
afterwards? You may not have experienced the sense of loss as you would
at a death, but
there was a loss that affected you. On some level, you were grieving for
this loss and
must give yourself time to adjust.
Also, when friends and family encounter these losses, realize that this
may
account for mood changes, for emotional swings, for their being impatient
with you. It
may not have anything to do with you. Right or wrong, it’s simply their
way of grieving
and dealing with this loss.
Others Need You
However, as one encounters grief, realize there are other people who need
you,
who care for you, and who are important to you. Begin to go forward with
your life for
them if you feel you can’t yet for yourself. Focus your thoughts and
life on them as you
pull yourself from grief.
The main thing is not to become so consumed by grief that one becomes
useless to family, friends, and oneself...that we use it as an excuse to
be
nonfunctional and non-productive even years later. The loss may always
be with us,
but other people need us, too. We are special in their lives.
(c)2001 Mary Emma Allen
About the Author
Mary Emma Allen, book author and columnist, often writes about family
matters
for magazines and online publications. Her most recent book, "When We
Become
the Parent to Our Parents," chronicles her
mother's journey through Alzheimer's. Visit her web site
or email her at mailto:me.allen@juno.com
