You toss and turn, trying to wake up from a recurring
nightmare that has you in its grip.
Four generations of family members are descending on your
house for this year's Christmas dinner. It's suppose to be
a happy occasion, so why are you in a cold sweat? Tension
rises and tempers flare. God forbid, they aren't coming to
dinner! They live with you. Your daughter-in-law flees from
you, stung by your simple request to be quiet already, she's
getting on your last good nerve. Your mother-in-law tells
you for the umpteenth time how lucky you are to have snagged
her son. Your grandchildren are trying to hide a snicker
about the weird way you and great-grandma talk and dress.
You are seriously ticked off because your mother and mother-
in-law refuse to accept the undeniable fact that you are a
grandparent, and should be respected accordingly. You and
your husband are beside yourself, and out of frustration you
act like enemies instead of each other's support system.
All in all, it is a dream from hell.
And then you wake up and discover that it isn't a dream
after all.
Although statistics show that intergenerational families are
a common occurrence, it is still one of the least talked
about family situations.
We women seldom talk about it, because we don't want to
embarrass our loved ones. We bear our burdens, almost in
silence, sharing our frustrations only with our few
remaining friends.
If this situation hasn't come to your house yet, not to
worry. It will. Give it a year or two. If you are a baby
boomer like me, and fortunate enough to have a living parent
(or parents), it will come. And sadly, time is not with us
with regard to keeping this repository of wisdom and
information with us forever. We need to capture it while
time permits.
We Boomers don't think of ourselves as "older," but let's
face it, we are the generation most able to articulate our
accumulated experiences, wisdom, and other information
critical to helping our children,grandchildren, and those
not yet born understand why they are the way they are. Our
knowledge holds the key to their recognizing if not
avoiding sand traps, and other dangerous situations.
Here's the good news. There is no need to be a victim of
this situation, or wait until all we can say is "I shoulda,
woulda, coulda. " You have the capacity to change things, to
bring understanding and joy into your intergenerational
family. You have the capacity to capture history and share
it with generations to come. There is nothing that brings
a sense of purpose, self-esteem, and fulfillment like having
a formal, documented account, memoirs if you will, that
chronicles your own history.
The process has three simple steps and is actually a lot of
fun.
Step 1: Create your own memoirs, or become an angel of
mercy and help an older family member get started. If two
or more like each other's company, consider collaboration among
family members.
Begin at the beginning. What is your earliest memory of
your childhood home? A picture really is worth a thousand
words. Draw a picture of it that will literally map this
part of your story. You don't have to be Picasso. Start
with a rectangle, about the size of a regular sheet of
paper. Draw your house. Lay out your street, then the
streets in your neighborhood. Who were the people and what
were they like? What were you favorite places? Why? Maybe
you didn't exactly live on a street. My map included
our house, yard, chickens, corn crib, ditch, a path through
the patch and another leading up the pasture. Everything
we did contributed to getting food, getting our lessons,
going to church, and the normal games siblings play on each
other. The main characters were my family, dominated by my
mother and grandfather. Whatever else I wrote about, these
were recurring people and themes.
Next, write down everything you remember about each part of
the picture you've just drawn. Write it as it comes to you.
Give depth and character to your pictures. Write what you
feel. Keep writing until you can actually smell the food,
reach out and touch your favorite chair, or hear your
mother's voice calling to you. You'll have time later to
sort it all out. Some of it will make you weep, and others
will have you rolling on the floor with glee.
Now determine what most vividly touched your early life. Was
it family, school? Did you move frequently? You have to
feel strongly about it in order to help others see why you
feel the way you do.
Challenge your memory. Family members come in handy here.
See if they remember it the same way you do. Be careful not
to get into memory turf wars. Each of us jealously guards
our recollections; they make up who we are. So be gentle.
This is suppose to be fun, and these are your memoirs.
Use facts to give your memoirs authenticity and accuracy.
Your local library is a great place to start. Property
records at a county recording office will clarify who owned
the property next to you (and you thought they were aliens).
Court records will tell you who was married to whom (oops!).
Probate records show death and inheritances. Department of
education records recount the public education grandma and
Aunt Tilda received. Police records might allay your
suspicions about your ancestors, or confirm your runaway
suspicions. You might find information that shows an
entirely different perspective from that you have carried
all your life.
When you revisit your early life, you'll discover that each
day, week, month, and year present wonderful fodder for your
memoirs. Block these periods. Let your memory take you
across each landscape. Write what you see. Soon you will
be able to capture the essence of experiences and
activities that made you who you are. Don't stifle your
reactions to them, even those you would just as soon forget. You
survived, didn't you. If you're reading this, you've done
better than simple survive; you're taking charge of your
life.
As you work through each blocked period, look for the these
elements within your memories, and how you feel about the
impact each had on your life.
Church
School
Teachers
Most influential adult
Historical events
Happiest event
Most frightening event
Proudest moment
Most embarrassing event
Your first love
Locate all the pictures of people, places, and things you
can get your hands on. Pictures, historical fact, and the
role each had in your life make for dynamic and interesting
reading.
Congratulations. You have taken the first steps to writing
your memoirs.
Step 2: Lay out your information and pictures in
chronological order. Use historical events to frame your
stories. This makes your memoirs an excellent resource
for teaching local history, sharing heritage, and instilling
pride in family legacy.
Step 3: Prepare for gift-giving, as your memoirs make a
most treasured gift that lasts throughout generations. Make
them into a book to share with others, develop individual
stories into skits and/or readings to bring excitement to
family celebrations. Or,turn them into dollars as you launch
your new writing and teaching career.
Copyright 2001 Joyce M. Coleman. All rights reserved,
except as noted above.
About the Author:
Joyce is an author and can be visited at
LocusthillPublishing.com or
SoulStirrings.com. Subscribe to her The
Business of Life - Ezine newsletter or view it online at
here. Look
for action tips on Wealth Building, Food for the Soul, and
links to Soul Food Cooking. Read excerpts from her book,
Soul Stirrings: How looking back gives each of us the
freedom to move forward.
